Coming Out: My Experience

I originally posted this on my Tumblr a number of years ago but felt it was worthy of being reblogged here.

I don’t remember ever “coming out” to anybody as a teenager. My mother recently told me that she knew when I brought home my first serious girlfriend and that previously she had never thought about it because it didn’t matter to her. 12 years later and it still doesn’t matter to my family. While my father is less vocal about such things, he too could give a fuck less what gender person I choose to love or sleep with. My friends had always just… figured it out when they saw me with girls, and it’s never really been an issue with any of them. I think that’s because I chose to surround myself with people who wouldn’t be phased by any sexuality, although I do occasionally wonder what my journey would have been like had I been born male. I like to think it wouldn’t change the reactions I would have gotten from the people I care about, but I’m not so naive.

Part of the reason I'd never had any big “coming out” moments is because sexuality registers so low on my radar. Growing up I never even thought about my sexuality, other than in my teenage years, but it was just general hormonal I have sexuality type stuff. No great debates in me about what gender the person I spent the rest of my life would be. If I was dating a girl it was because I liked her. If I was dating a guy it was because I liked him. If I ended up with any of the people I dated in high school it would have been because I continued to like them. I didn’t.

It’s only recently that I’ve become more active in the LGBT community, and it’s not because of my personal preference for genders. I don’t give a fuck who knows I like girls. I’m pretty sure my entire family, and circle of friends, has figured it out and if not, well, they’re blind. I ended up marrying a man so equality in that aspect doesn’t really effect me personally very much. I feel strongly about it because I’ve seen how much it can affect those I love, and you don’t mess with the people I love. I told my mom once that I would probably end up settling down with a woman, and she pretty much said “that’s nice” and continued watching dancing with the stars. I have a great mom, in case you didn’t know.

That being said I know some people struggle with telling their parents about their gender identities. Please don’t. If somebody loves you, they will continue loving you no matter what you tell them about yourselves. Also, realize you are a PERSON. You are not a homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual. You are a person, with a name, who has views and opinions, likes and dislikes, and the people who know you won’t care who you want to bump uglies with. If they do, they’re probably shallow minded people who you don’t need in your lives, or maybe you’re a really shitty person and the only redeeming quality you had was that you seemed to be straight. If that doesn’t sound like you then don’t let it define you. Don’t let gender, or sexuality define you.

My name is Megan. I’m a mom. My favorite color is teal. I can be a huge bitch, but I love passionately and if I care about you I’ll do just about anything for you. My favorite animal is the panda, followed very closely by horses. I like to swim and take my son fun new places. I’m very opinionated, and I can be offensive. I’m socially awkward until I get to know you, and I say the wrong thing a lot. There are things I am good at, and things I am bad at. Oh, and I like girls, and sometimes I like boys too. My preference is small, thin, flexible, blonde girls, and tall, strong musically inclined, guys. I ended up married to a socially awkward, smart, nerdy, guy, who loves me for all that I am.

EDIT: When I moved to Florida, a little over 2 years ago now, I had a very different experience. When I "came out" to co-workers by mentioning an ex-girlfriend who lived in the area, they told me to "be careful" who I mentioned it to, and that "since I'm with a man it's not worth getting in trouble over". I went to a "girls night out" and when I dropped a similar reference, the conversation around the table literally stopped, and everyone looked at me like I had 2 heads. I'd never had my sexuality diminished before. I'd never had any reason to feel nervous about "coming out" and being honest with those around me. I now have a better understanding of how something that should be just a piece of who you are can become all consuming when you are afraid to mention it to those around you. 

An open letter to my sons, about their inevitable relationships with women

Whether you are gay, straight, or somewhere in between it is inevitable that you will someday have intimate relationships with those of the opposite sex. I strive to be a living example to you of how a woman should be treated, by the way that I demand to be treated, and by the way that I treat others. I know that while actions speak louder than words, sometimes it is equally important to give voice to issues. I know we've talked about girls before, and I hope that you understand most of what I've tried to teach you, but here are a few things that deserve a little extra emphasis:

You don't have to be her knight in shining armor. Whether she's your girlfriend, wife, or just a friend you don't have to save her. Not all the time, and certainly not at the cost of your own well being. You're going to see a lot of propaganda about "real men" over the years. Ignore it. You are both real men. I was there when you were born and I have watched you grow. I can testify to this fact. So when someone tries to tell you how a real man takes care of his woman, take it with a grain of salt. I expect you to be caring, supportive, kind, generous, and compassionate with everyone including the women in your life. However, you are not responsible for their physical or emotional well being. 

While we're on the topic of "real men" your masculinity doesn't hinge on the degradation of women either. It's okay to share the household responsibilities. There are no "mans jobs" or "woman's jobs". Your job in your relationship with anyone is to equally distribute the burdens in a way you both agree to be fair. This means it's ok if she makes more money than you and it's ok if she doesn't have a job. It's up to the 2 of you to define how your relationship is going to be balanced. Don't let anyone else tell you how to define your home life. 

Communicate. A lot. The old adage "men are from Mars women are from Venus" isn't entirely off base. Chances are unless you find an anomaly of a gal, she's going to think very differently than you do. Chances are sometimes it's going to be hard to understand. The only way you'll ever understand her is by asking her how she feels, and why. Let her explain herself. Don't assume you know. You probably don't. This goes for all your relationships (with men too). Talk to your colleagues. Talk to your friends. Talk to your teachers and your kids and your parents. Put down your electronics and listen to other people. Especially if you're trying to make a life with them.

I have hope, that by the time you're a man, the world will have changed. Realistically I'm not sure it will have. So know this: being a woman is hard for so many reasons I cannot begin to explain to you. Not the least of which being an anatomy that works very differently than yours. Women are not weaker than you. They are strong in different ways. They are not less intelligent than you. They think in different ways. Men and women aren't the same, but they are equal. Just because someone is different does not ever make them less.

We all come from different places. The world, for my generation atleast, has put a lot of work into making women insecure, and frightened. It has taught hate rather than love, and many young women come from homes that stifled them rather than empowering them. Keep that in mind when you approach anyone, but especially a woman. You don't know where she's come from, and you don't know if she had to work twice as hard to get where she is. This comes right back to the talking thing. Ask questions. Listen intently. Let people share their story with you. Be open. Let people change you, not because they want to, but because you need to be ever evolving to become better.

Sometimes girls cry. Usually a lot more than boys too. Remember that anatomy bit I mentioned earlier? It comes with a completely different set of hormones. When you might get angry, a woman might get sad. Sorry buddy that's the difference between testosterone and estrogen. I reiterate here that it does not make her weaker than you. Just different.

You're going to meet so many different people of all ages, races, genders, sexualities, religions and creeds. Don't let stereotypes pre-form your opinions. Treat each person as an individual. Don't make assumptions. Let them teach you who they are so that you may share your true self with them.

You're going to get hurt. Someone is going to break your hurt. It's going to feel like being broken into a thousand sharp pieces of glass. You're going to heal and while you're healing try your best to let go of the anger and resentment that tries to form inside of you. Don't hold the actions of one person against every other person who tries to love you. 

Be a gentleman. No matter how much culture and society changes. Hold on to that ideal. It's not about saving people. It's about respect. You don't have to carry the weight of the world to open doors for the person behind you and help someone who is struggling cross the street. Don't let anyone tell you this is wrong or sexist. You can open doors for men as well as women. Pick up something if someone drops it and hand the item back to them. If you see a woman being harassed, step in and do something. Not because she's a woman but because you would do it for anyone. 

And lastly, forever stay my sweet little boys, even when you're grown men.

Don't talk about a body that isn't yours.

This one has really been driving me crazy lately, especially in terms of post-partum bodies. Don't tell me what my body should look like. Don't tell me what a healthy body looks like. And for fuckity fuck's sake don't tell post-partum mom's who are having a hard enough time adapting to life after baby that there's something wrong with stretch marks, and extra belly fat. There isn't. Mom's are tigers who have gotten their stripes, and it's 100% up to them if they wanna jog back to the gym and try to look like they did before kids, or not.

While this goes for both men, and women. I do have to say I see it pointed at women a lot more. What makes you feel like it's your business to tell a woman what an "appealing" body is. As someone who's gone through a lot of shapes and sizes in my life I can testify that there are people who will find you attractive at any size. Some people like girl's with curves, other's like skinny minnies, or athletic bodies and a vast majority really don't care what body type you are as long as you share interests with them and are fun to hang out with.

So here's the deal, unless you're someone's Mom, or Spouse, or Child and are genuinely worried about someone you deeply care about's health and well being don't comment on what's going into their mouth or the size of jeans they happen to fit into. It's none of your business.

Especially, do not EVER use someone's weight to sell them products to make you money. If I have one more "itworks" representative message me and ask me if I want to get my pre-baby body back with their "magical wrap" I WILL punch them. 1. My post-baby body is FINE. 2. I've googled you and there is ZERO evidence to support that you can help me lose weight or detoxify me at all. Ripoff report has a lot to say about you too. ABC News even covered how much of a scam they are.

In conclusion if it isn't YOUR body, it's shape, size, or color is none of your goddamn business. So shut your trap.

ALL BODIES ARE BEAUTIFUL!!

Everyone should check out this Tumblr

Because, I repeat, all bodies are beautiful.

Stop talking about Bruce Jenner, immediately.

HER name is CAITLYN.

Seriously, for FUCKS SAKE. I can NOT believe I am STILL seeing this. How many of you ignorami legitimately want to be on the wrong side of history? Your grand kids are gonna be so ashamed of you.

Now, that I've gotten past my little tirade there. Here's the thing. I hated Bruce Jenner. I still strongly dislike/hate Caitlyn Jenner. The whole Jenner/Kardashian clan could be blown to smithereens and I would probably throw a party. Caitlyn is still giving into the media circus that is her life just as much as she always has, even when she was a he. However, atleast now some poor trans kid is sitting at home watching her, saying to themselves, "I can do this. I'm gonna be okay." So, atleast now she's using her ridiculous undeserved media attention for good. So, don't be a bigoted prick about it. You just look like a tool, and let me know who I should remove from my friends list. Her transition isn't a joke. Here are a few reasons why:

• A whopping 41% of people who identify as trans or gender non-conforming have tried to kill themselves. Find more on how that % breaks down here.
• One in five transgender people in the United States has been discriminated when seeking a home, and more than one in ten have been evicted from their homes, because of their gender identity.
• One in five transgender individuals have experienced homelessness at some point in their lives. Family rejection and discrimination and violence have contributed to a large number of transgender and other LGBQ-identified youth who are homeless in the United States – an estimated 20-40% of the more than 1.6 million homeless youth. Unfortunately, social service and homeless shelters that work with this population often fail to culturally and appropriately serve transgender homeless people, including denying them shelter based on their gender identity; inappropriately housing them in a gendered space they do not identify with; and failing to address co-occurring issues facing transgender homeless adults and youth.
• A recent report by AmFar,concluded that “trans women are 49 times more likely to be living with HIV than the general population.” While transgender men are less likely to be HIVpositive than transgender women, their rates of infection are still higher than that of the general population.
• Despite an increasing prominence of transgender people in the news/media in the vast majority of studies, transgender people have only been counted as their sex assigned at birth, which not only discounts their identities, but leaves them relatively invisible to public health officials and advocacy organizations working toward prevention, treatment, and related health care.
• Transgender people face extraordinary levels of physical and sexual violence, whether on the streets, at school or work, at home, or at the hands of government officials. More than one in four trans people has faced a bias-driven assault, and rates are higher for trans women and trans people of color.
• It’s estimated that over 134,000 American veterans are transgender, and over 15,000 trans people are serving in military today despite rules forbidding them to serve openly. DID YOU HEAR THAT? These are people who love their country SO much they are BREAKING THE RULES to fight and die to protect you. Seriously? Yes.

I do not have time to sit here and list all the issues facing transgender people today so here are some resources if what I've said so far is somehow not enough for you to realize that her name is Caitlyn, and it's important.

1. transequality.org
2.  This mom's snarky video about "The Facts" 
3. www.hrc.org/Transgender
4. www.americanprogress.org
5. transpeoplespeak.org

Also, check out these super awesome trans people who are blazing a new frontier and are totally worth more of your time than some media whore.

• Please tell me you've already heard of Laverne Cox from Orange is the New Black.
• Bethany Black has been described Britain’s only goth lesbian transsexual comedian. This year she also became the first trans actor to play a trans character on British television in Cucumber and Banana. Follow her here, and check out some of her comedy here.
• Laura Jane Grace is mostly known for being the lead singer of Against Me! and generally being a total badass. You can follow her here and listen to her awesome music here.
• Madhu Kinnar is India's first trans mayor.

The list goes on and on I highly recommend checking out entirely amelia.