An open letter to my sons, about their inevitable relationships with women

Whether you are gay, straight, or somewhere in between it is inevitable that you will someday have intimate relationships with those of the opposite sex. I strive to be a living example to you of how a woman should be treated, by the way that I demand to be treated, and by the way that I treat others. I know that while actions speak louder than words, sometimes it is equally important to give voice to issues. I know we've talked about girls before, and I hope that you understand most of what I've tried to teach you, but here are a few things that deserve a little extra emphasis:

You don't have to be her knight in shining armor. Whether she's your girlfriend, wife, or just a friend you don't have to save her. Not all the time, and certainly not at the cost of your own well being. You're going to see a lot of propaganda about "real men" over the years. Ignore it. You are both real men. I was there when you were born and I have watched you grow. I can testify to this fact. So when someone tries to tell you how a real man takes care of his woman, take it with a grain of salt. I expect you to be caring, supportive, kind, generous, and compassionate with everyone including the women in your life. However, you are not responsible for their physical or emotional well being. 

While we're on the topic of "real men" your masculinity doesn't hinge on the degradation of women either. It's okay to share the household responsibilities. There are no "mans jobs" or "woman's jobs". Your job in your relationship with anyone is to equally distribute the burdens in a way you both agree to be fair. This means it's ok if she makes more money than you and it's ok if she doesn't have a job. It's up to the 2 of you to define how your relationship is going to be balanced. Don't let anyone else tell you how to define your home life. 

Communicate. A lot. The old adage "men are from Mars women are from Venus" isn't entirely off base. Chances are unless you find an anomaly of a gal, she's going to think very differently than you do. Chances are sometimes it's going to be hard to understand. The only way you'll ever understand her is by asking her how she feels, and why. Let her explain herself. Don't assume you know. You probably don't. This goes for all your relationships (with men too). Talk to your colleagues. Talk to your friends. Talk to your teachers and your kids and your parents. Put down your electronics and listen to other people. Especially if you're trying to make a life with them.

I have hope, that by the time you're a man, the world will have changed. Realistically I'm not sure it will have. So know this: being a woman is hard for so many reasons I cannot begin to explain to you. Not the least of which being an anatomy that works very differently than yours. Women are not weaker than you. They are strong in different ways. They are not less intelligent than you. They think in different ways. Men and women aren't the same, but they are equal. Just because someone is different does not ever make them less.

We all come from different places. The world, for my generation atleast, has put a lot of work into making women insecure, and frightened. It has taught hate rather than love, and many young women come from homes that stifled them rather than empowering them. Keep that in mind when you approach anyone, but especially a woman. You don't know where she's come from, and you don't know if she had to work twice as hard to get where she is. This comes right back to the talking thing. Ask questions. Listen intently. Let people share their story with you. Be open. Let people change you, not because they want to, but because you need to be ever evolving to become better.

Sometimes girls cry. Usually a lot more than boys too. Remember that anatomy bit I mentioned earlier? It comes with a completely different set of hormones. When you might get angry, a woman might get sad. Sorry buddy that's the difference between testosterone and estrogen. I reiterate here that it does not make her weaker than you. Just different.

You're going to meet so many different people of all ages, races, genders, sexualities, religions and creeds. Don't let stereotypes pre-form your opinions. Treat each person as an individual. Don't make assumptions. Let them teach you who they are so that you may share your true self with them.

You're going to get hurt. Someone is going to break your hurt. It's going to feel like being broken into a thousand sharp pieces of glass. You're going to heal and while you're healing try your best to let go of the anger and resentment that tries to form inside of you. Don't hold the actions of one person against every other person who tries to love you. 

Be a gentleman. No matter how much culture and society changes. Hold on to that ideal. It's not about saving people. It's about respect. You don't have to carry the weight of the world to open doors for the person behind you and help someone who is struggling cross the street. Don't let anyone tell you this is wrong or sexist. You can open doors for men as well as women. Pick up something if someone drops it and hand the item back to them. If you see a woman being harassed, step in and do something. Not because she's a woman but because you would do it for anyone. 

And lastly, forever stay my sweet little boys, even when you're grown men.

Hi, me at 18

This is going to be a scary year. The scariest one yet. It's also going to change everything, and you're going to meet the best person you will ever know. Your son. Being a parent is scary. It doesn't stop being scary and it never gets easier. Don't believe the people who tell you it does. Riley will be the worlds easiest baby, and toddler. He won't be difficult to handle til he's 7. It goes downhill fast from there. But what's important is how much you're going to love him. Seriously, his face is going to set your soul on fire. You're going to write these beautiful words about him:

"Sweet perfection in a coo,

The gentle whispering of your name,

As your tenement emerges,

Frankly fresh and nitid new.

Gold laden are your smiles.

Ambrosial is your scent.

Your aroma so darling,

It brings complacence and content.

More precious than any sunrise,

More beautiful than any sunset,

The delight that I have found in you

Eternity could not compel me to forget.

Such pride I find in your creation,

'Though I barely played a part,

Merely vessel and sustainer,

For your impressive start.

You give me reason to believe, dear boy,

As I explore your face,

Any inkling of regret once felt,

Annulled without a trace.

I inspect the tiny features,

God so carefully put in place.

Your flawless elfin details,

A testament to His Grace.

Tiny hands with tiny fingers,

Little feet and little toes,

Fleeting forehead, eager eyes.

Modest mouth and narrow nose

I’ve found a reason to continue.

Nay, the reason I began,

To live and love and laugh with you

As you grow into a man.

A renewal of my faith is found,

Formerly which I suppressed.

Denial: inconceivable,

For you are clearly blessed.

My life was rain before you,

Now you’ve shot across my sky,

An everlasting rainbow,

My eternal reason why."

He's going to change everything. He's going to challenge you and make you grow. But he's going to be the sweetest, most compassionate little person. He's going to be smart, and funny. And you're gonna do a good job. Mistakes will be made, but he's going to love you anyways. Hard times are coming honey. There's going to be a lot of losses, but you're going to gain the joy of motherhood, and it's going to be the best thing in your life. It's still the best thing in mine, 10 years later.

A continuation on my post about nationalism and humanism

I was raised by devoutly Christian parents. Parents who, in everything they did, showed me how they believed Jesus would want them to live, by emulating him every chance they got. If someone, or something needed a home, that meant we were getting a new family member. Whether it be a 3-legged dog, or cat that no one else wanted, a pain in the ass horse caught in barbed wire on the side of the road, a sick puppy who no one else was going to rescue from the pound, my friends running from bad situations at home, special needs and disabled people who's families needed respite or later in my life any of my many poorly thought out boyfriends/girlfriends who had no where else to go. They taught me, in the easiest way to teach a child anything, by acting: That when someone is hungry, you feed them. When someone is naked, you clothe them. When someone is homeless, you shelter them.

While I do not believe for a moment that you have to be a Christian to have these values. I think it is a slap in the face to the religion you pretend to represent when you refuse to acknowledge what Jesus himself would do in a situation.

I'm not a Christian, but I am extremely proud to be the daughter of 2 of the best Christians I know. It is because of their life lessons that I strive to take care of those that need care, regardless of how different from me they may be. It is because of them, that every time I see someone call for us to "blow away the middle east", "shut down our borders", "turn away refugees", "kill all the Muslims", etc etc ad nauseum, it breaks my heart.

Arguably, I put the lives of my children above anything else in this world, because as a mother that is how I was genetically programmed. I know, that there are billions of other mothers on this planet who feel the same way about their children. I cannot imagine the pain of being turned away from a safe harbor with hungry, frightened and tired children in your arms or by your side. I cannot imagine feeling the winter set in, and knowing, that if something does not change soon you will watch them freeze to death. I can not imagine, the loathing, self-doubt, and horror that is running through these mother's veins as they wonder, "will anyone help us" "did we do the right thing by running" "what if we had stayed" "will we ever be safe" "will my children ever be free from nightmares" "will the bombs follow us wherever we go" "will I ever have somewhere to call home".

I don't care what religion they are, or what country they are from. There are terrified children out there who have been running for their lives only to be stopped at a fence, or a wall, or a checkpoint and told "No. Your life is not valuable enough to save. For the sins of your nation, and your religious zealots you will have to die here."

I don't understand how you can want to do anything other than pick those children up and carry them home. I blame you mom and dad. It's your fault I'm not an asshole.

Holiday Project Update (with photos)

We did a variety of charity/philanthropy projects to celebrate the holiday season. We went gleaning:

John and Hayden "gleaning" oranges for the local food banks.

The whole Nuviva crew getting ready to go gleaning

We put together THIRTY bags for the loca homeless population.

Dropping off 2 carts of bags full of goodies at OURM for their homeless population.

And we cleaned out our closets following Christmas to make room for what we had been given, we have to others. We'll be dropping off these boxes at OURM today.

This is what the holiday season means to me. It means sharing what we have with others. But also it means time spent with family. We did that too:

We got to see most of the cool holiday stuff at Disney.

So from my family to yours, happy holidays.

Eve boxes, a Killion family holiday tradition

Since we got together over 3 Christmas's ago my now husband and I have been putting together Christmas/Holiday Eve boxes for our kids. They've become increasingly important to us as we now live farther from family and all the (ridiculous amounts of) presents they send end up packed into Christmas morning over Skype. We like to have time to be together as a family just the 4 (sometimes 5 when my mother is in town) of us.

We aren't religious as a rule. Unless you count a sometimes affinity of Unitarianism or Buddhism. So our holiday celebration isn't really about "Jesus's birthday". For us it's about celebrating thousands of years of history, differing beliefs, and being together as a family. So each of us opening a box on Christmas Eve together is our big tradition.

Every year the box includes atleast one movie (usually on a cute flash drive), a new pair of pajamas, a new book (usually holiday related), and movie snacks (typically popcorn, hot cocoa and some candy). 

This year was the first year I really got crafty with it. So I made each of my kids a re-usable Christmas Eve box. 

  

The front of each box is their name, with a wooden letter for their first initial.

On the side I've painted "Twas the night before Christmas" on each of them.

With a slightly different design on each box. I left plenty of room to add something each year.

You can pick up these crates for around $10 at either Joanne's fabrics or Walmart (and I'm sure many other locations as well). The wooden letters were around $1 a piece and I got them at Walmart but I'm sure any crafting store carries them. I also grabbed paint and stencils from Walmart.

While I was there I bought pipe cleaners, googly eyes, a hot glue gun, and pom poms (my Walmart had a craft bag with everything but the hot glue gun in it, but I can't find it on the internet anywhere) for my next project, which to the best of my knowledge was an original idea. I already had the hot chocolate k cups on hand. We got them for a steal at Aldi. These would also make great ornament crafts for kids with used k-cups.

In case it isn't self explanatory I bent the brown pipe cleaners into antlers and hot glued them to the back of the k-cup, glued the googly eyes to the lip of the k-cup/the antlers and then glued the nose to the front. To turn it into an ornament all you'd need to do is add string or ribbon to the back where you glued the antlers.

I also used the pipe cleaners for my next project. 

After these were made I also made 2 with ribbon but honestly I really preferred the pipe cleaners as it gives you much more control. You can find the snowman printouts here. After that you can either do like I did (since it's not cold here) and cut hats out of black construction paper then glue them to the top, or you can tie a glove around his head to make a hat. There are tons of these on Pinterest with different variations (like gluing on your old buttons). If you do happen to live Northerly, this is a great way to incorporate winter necessities like hats, scarves and gloves.

I also printed out this cute little poem to accompany the popcorn.

You can print them online here.

After all this I was for the first time in my life finding that I enjoy crafting so I went to a local dollar store and grabbed an inexpensive wedding figurine.

Since it's my husband and I's first married Christmas I added the year and a quote that means a lot to us "together or not at all" were the last words Amy and Rory spoke to one another before jumping off a building to save the universe on Doctor Who. We wrote the quote into our wedding vows. This kind of ornament crafting is EXTREMELY easy and will probably be my new gift giving go to.

I had my sons ornaments personalize via a groupon they had running this year. I made the fallout ornament with the same method as the one I made my husband, just a little hot glue and ribbon. My husband got me a first married Christmas ornament and I bought my mom a Christmas with nana ornament.

We all put our ornaments on the tree while drinking hot cocoa (a little Kahlua for mommy) and watching Home Alone (one of the movies on Riley's Lego flash drive)

The final product ends up looking a bit like this.

Riley got a book about Christmas traditions and where they came from. Hayden got a Winter Solstice book. Neither of them have been read yet because my kids were totally mesmerized by movies and candy.

My husband put this amazing necklace in my box and made me tear up, you can read all about his amazing gifts to me this year here. 

Happy holidays to you and yours.

For my husband, on Christmas

While I will claim all day, that I hate surprises, and that receiving gifts during the holiday season makes me uncomfortable this year you have truly outdone yourself. You have proven that the power of a gift is not in how much money you spend, but in the time, and thought, put into it. Beyond that you have once again illustrated the extent to which you truly "get" me. 

I'm not the type of woman to drop hints about what I want, because I usually don't want anything. Yet, you found a way to give me things that warm my heart and bring a tear to my eye, without spending the kind of money that makes me upset this time of year.

A necklace that says "together or not at all" (the last words Amy and Rory said to one another before jumping off a building to save the universe) in circular Gallifreyan (the language from the doctors home planet of Gallifrey). Words we wrote into our wedding vows, and a design I've been scribbling for months with the ultimate goal of having it tattooed on me eventually.

Found in a small box where you say "all the best gifts come from" inside my Christmas Eve box. I think because you knew opening something so precious to me would be embarrassing Christmas morning when so many eyes were watching. 

My very tricky "stocking" that was originally full of junk that I "love to haul around" that you used to "craft" a toolbox full of all the Fallout essentials. Mentats, buffout, cateye, fixer and then....

The Nuka Cola quantums you had led me to believe were unattainable, after many a visit to Target in search of the rare item. You went so far as to overcome your hatred of speaking to strangers to get someone to buy me a second one, when the manager refused to honor the advertisement. I can't imagine how much time you put into this gift that is absolutely perfect in every way.

Not to go unrecognized or unappreciated scoring me a precious tradition of our family. A hand written ornament symbolizing the last years journey. Our first Christmas as Mr. & Mrs.

I cannot wait to spend a lifetime of holidays with you. May every one be as full of joy and love as this one has been. I love you forever, together or not at all.

Why We Don't Do Santa

I understand that a lot of you, my friends included, love celebrating Christmas with tales of Santa. We don't. There is a rather long list of reasons why.

Since we aren't Christians, we celebrate our December Holiday season differently than a lot of people. We have had the liberty of picking and choosing traditions from a variety of holiday celebrations. We still do stockings. We talk about Winter Solstice and the traditions that have come about throughout history for people of all religions and creeds. We discuss how best to respect others beliefs. It's not a war on Christmas. We want those of you to celebrate to have as great of a holiday season as we usually do. We have a holiday tree. My husband puts up his "Christmas Village". I put together Christmas Eve Boxes for my kids. In terms of gifts from my husband and myself, we really try to limit ourselves to the boxes, and stockings. Each year there inevitably is a little spill over of gifts I end up wrapping and putting under the tree. Usually labeled from myself. So why not Santa? Why are there no gifts from him under our tree?

1. It's creepy. Maybe not for you, but for me. "He knows when you are sleeping... He knows when you're awake...." Hi, I'm not indoctrinating my kids into the acceptance of a police state quite yet. I don't want them to think it's toooootally normal for someone to watch everything they do every second of every day, and judge them on it. No thanks.

2. It's pure consumerism. OH NO MY KIDS WON'T KNOW HOW GOOD THEY ARE IF I DON'T BUY THEM STACKS OF PRESENTS FOR CHRISTMAS. How else could they possibly know whether or not they are tolerable human beings? I don't know... perhaps I could tell them.

3. Gratitude. I am doing my best in an ungrateful, privileged culture to raise children who say thank you. Not just for large gifts, but small ones too. They did not earn the right to a stack of presents under the tree. Their family and friends chose to give gifts to them out of love. I want my children to be grateful, and to say thank you. To appreciate that those gifts were given from a place of hard-work out of love. To understand that sometimes a small gift, can mean more than a large one.

4. Poverty. I am not poor. Well, not the I can't pay to feed my kids level of poor. So, I can buy my children gifts during the holiday season. They have family and friends who can also afford to give with almost no budget. However, there is an ocean of children, who will not be getting big expensive gifts from Santa this year. Are they any less good? Are they any less worthy? Why would I want my own, or anyone else's children to get any sense of their own value from an imaginary fat man who puts them on a list?

5. Trust. I want my children to trust me. About everything, through everything, with everything. I don't want them to doubt even for a minute that I have been as honest with them as humanly possible. So why make up stories that they will eventually know are lies?

Why I moved to Florida, and the pitfalls.

A little over a year ago my now husband and I packed up our bags and moved our little family to Central Florida. There were a lot of things that went into our decision to get the heck outta Dodge. Dodge in this case being Cape Cod Massachusetts, but I think I'll save that for another blog post. As some of you may have by now guessed I'm a little bit of a Google guru. So as soon as I got my hubby to say "yes" to Florida I went to work researching. I immediately decided that Seminole county was going to be the place for us. It had the best schools, was close to Orlando (and subsequently universal studios and tons of other fun stuff to do), less than an hour to the nearest ocean beach, had relatively low crime, and had both job openings for me, and colleges for the hubs. In the end we signed a lease on a great apartment in Oviedo, after a long tedious house hunt and time constraints with my job.

So here's the plus side: 

• The schools ARE great in Oviedo. Carillon, where my oldest son attended is one of the best elementaries in Florida.
• PUBLIX is by far the most amazing grocery store on the planet. They give my kids samples of food, and make sure my toddler leaves with a balloon. The employees are not only friendly but also helpful.
• It's warm pretty much year round. I think the lowest it got all winter was 3 days of high 40s/low 50s.
• I get to go to the theme park and go on roller coasters year round for less than what tourists pay for a few days.
• The cost of living is relatively low.
• Despite everything I've heard about the job market not being as good as Massachusetts I have gotten 4 better paying jobs than I ever even had interviews for back in Mass. 
• Froyo is a thousand times better than ice cream, in my opinion and it's every where down south.
• There are farmers markets a plenty.
• There is so much stuff to do for kids I don't even know where to start. Both indoor and outdoor activities are available year round by the hundreds. Plus, lots of it is free.
• The Mexican food and Spanish cuisine are way better than you will ever find in Massachusetts or any northern state.
• There is fried chicken everywhere, and it is delicious.
• The racial difference between "African Americans" and "European Americans" is barely noticeable. You can pretty much only tell we're different because our skin tone is.
• The real estate market WAS absolutely amazing for buyers when we moved, but costs are rising steadily, as are mortgage rates.

Some pitfalls:

• While it's been easy for me to find a job in the market here, it is not easy for everyone AND I've jumped around a lot. Working 3 jobs in 1 year.
• Car Insurance is more expensive here than in MA
• Your electric bill will probably be crazy because you'll run your AC all the time.
• Florida makes enrolling your kids in school a nightmare. 
• It's obviously hard being so far away from family.
• If you register to vote through the RMV it probably won't go through, and FL requires you be registered as Dem or Rep to vote in primaries.
• The majority of Florida has awful schools. 
• When you move away from your friends you'll lose connection and ties will be severed.
• The pizza, asian cuisine and seafood stink here.
• There are a lot of cultural difference.

Don't talk about a body that isn't yours.

This one has really been driving me crazy lately, especially in terms of post-partum bodies. Don't tell me what my body should look like. Don't tell me what a healthy body looks like. And for fuckity fuck's sake don't tell post-partum mom's who are having a hard enough time adapting to life after baby that there's something wrong with stretch marks, and extra belly fat. There isn't. Mom's are tigers who have gotten their stripes, and it's 100% up to them if they wanna jog back to the gym and try to look like they did before kids, or not.

While this goes for both men, and women. I do have to say I see it pointed at women a lot more. What makes you feel like it's your business to tell a woman what an "appealing" body is. As someone who's gone through a lot of shapes and sizes in my life I can testify that there are people who will find you attractive at any size. Some people like girl's with curves, other's like skinny minnies, or athletic bodies and a vast majority really don't care what body type you are as long as you share interests with them and are fun to hang out with.

So here's the deal, unless you're someone's Mom, or Spouse, or Child and are genuinely worried about someone you deeply care about's health and well being don't comment on what's going into their mouth or the size of jeans they happen to fit into. It's none of your business.

Especially, do not EVER use someone's weight to sell them products to make you money. If I have one more "itworks" representative message me and ask me if I want to get my pre-baby body back with their "magical wrap" I WILL punch them. 1. My post-baby body is FINE. 2. I've googled you and there is ZERO evidence to support that you can help me lose weight or detoxify me at all. Ripoff report has a lot to say about you too. ABC News even covered how much of a scam they are.

In conclusion if it isn't YOUR body, it's shape, size, or color is none of your goddamn business. So shut your trap.

ALL BODIES ARE BEAUTIFUL!!

Everyone should check out this Tumblr

Because, I repeat, all bodies are beautiful.

Facts about breastfeeding

So I'd like to start with a disclaimer that if you are a self identified woman, and you have children, that you're a mama, and I'm on your team. Breast or bottle. Bed sharing, or in a crib. Attachment parent or disciplinarian. However you are raising your child as long as you are doing your best (and not beating them within an inch of their life on the regular) I SUPPORT YOU. Also, I think it's sad I have to say that, because really shouldn't we all be supporting one another anyways.


Can you drink and breastfeed?
Why yes, you can. While frequent, excessive drinking is (hopefully) an obvious no-no, there is nothing wrong with the occasional alcoholic beverage. Mothers should drink in moderation. Go ahead and enjoy a glass of wine or favorite beverage every now and then without any plaguing mommy guilt. Perhaps a good way to put a number on "drinking in moderation" is limiting drinking to a single beverage one or two times a week.

What you need to know is the amount of time required for alcohol to leave the breastmilk depends on your bodyweight, the alcohol content of the beverage you were drinking, how many ounces you drank, and the amount of time it took you to drink it. That being said, essentially if you can safely (and legally) drive a car without concern of a DUI, you are most likely sober enough to breastfeed your baby.

However, the myth that alcohol builds milk supply is a pretty old one, based largely on unresearched opinions. In 2005 studies were released that not only debunked this myth, but showed the exact opposite to be true. Not only does downing that beer or glass of wine not build supply, it actually serves to decrease your breastmilk supply and inhibit milk letdown. It is far better to stick with established methods of boosting breastmilk supply instead. (more on that later)

How can I boost my supply?
One of the most common reasons for a breastfed baby's slow weight gain or an issue with low milk supply has to do with improper latch. If a baby is latched improperly, not only is it quite likely to cause discomfort for mom, it will also fail to stimulate greater milk production. Try this link for some examples of how to get a proper latch.

Make sure you're breastfeeding a minimum of every 2 hours if you're worried about your supply for any reason.

Try using breast compression. See here for techniques.

Drain the breast before switching sides. Switching back and forth between breasts during a feeding can deter your milk production. If your suffering from low milk supply, keep your baby at the first breast long enough to drain it of milk. At that point, switch to the other breast. Start feeding your baby at the opposite breast at the start of the next feeding.

MAKE SURE YOU'RE NOURISHING YOUR OWN BODY.

Consider side effects of any medication you might be taking.

If all else fails, try some mother's milk herbal tea, fenugreek, or blessed thistle.

Is breast feeding what is best for my baby?
Well, multiple studies have indicated that breastfeeding does boost IQ. But, there are many studies that have come forward to refute that evidence and claim that it has a lot more to do with the environment and IQ of parents who choose to breastfeed.

It does boost babies immunities and help keep them healthy before you can get them immunizations to protect against diseases.

It definitely helps mama lose weight after baby, combats post-partum depression, and can help prevent pregnancy following birth.

In my opinion, yes, breast is best. But always take into account what's best for you and  your whole family.

Ask yourself questions like:

• How long am I willing to wait before returning to work?
• Will pumping be an option at my work place?
• Am I comfortable with being the main provider of meals?
• If my child needs to nurse multiple times through the night can I get up with them and still perform my daily tasks?
• Is my partner comfortable with me breastfeeding?
• How do I feel about breastfeeding in public?

And last but not least, talk to a certified lactation consultant.

Alternative Families

As many of you may by now know, my family is not exactly the "American Dream" so to speak. My sons have 2 different biological fathers. My husband is my youngest son's father. My oldest son, Riley, has another dad, who he absolutely adores. For a long time my relationship with my eldest son's father was... less than awesome. Over the past 9 years, I've worked very hard to open communication back up between us, and include him in family events. You know why? Because we are a family. My son's and their father's and I, are a family. It's important that Riley knows that he is part of a family who loves each other. Even if sometimes that is hard to do.

So for his birthday this year we all went camping and to six flags. We all had a great time. Riley said it was his second best birthday EVER.

But it took us a long time to get here. It didn't just happen overnight. I can't speak from my ex's point of view but for me, it took a lot of forgiving and letting things go. It meant looking at things from Riley's perspective, and Jon (my ex's) perspective and spending a whole lot less time thinking about how things affected ME, or how something he had said was offensive.

It took sacrifice, but most of all it took love. It took me remembering that this was a man who at one point in my life I had loved enough to make a child with. It took realizing that he gave me my most precious gift. My first son. So, despite everything that had happened between us, none of it really mattered. What mattered was what Riley SAW, and that what he was going to see from then on was parents who cared for one another and who could do things with him together. 

We went out together for father's day. My 2 sons, their 2 fathers and myself. Now, I can't speak for everyone, but I think we all had a blast. Playing on the dock and going out for lunch. Even playing disc golf together.

My family isn't standard, but it's a family, and in my opinion, it's a great one.


Not all families are 2 parents and their shared genetic children. Some families have 2 moms or 2 dads. Some families have no moms. There are families that are grandkids with their grandparents. Some are a mix of adopted and genetic. Or step-kids and biological. Some families are transient while others all more permanent. Some families live together and others don't. Love makes a family. That's the glue. If you'd lay down your life for someone else's they're your family. If you think of them at night before you go to bed. If you want the best for them no matter what they've done or said. That's your family. Don't let anyone ever tell you any different.

Child Spacing

My children were "sort of" planned 7 years apart. I always read that 7 years was the best spacing between siblings as it allowed each of them to get all the best of being "only children" while still maintaining the camaraderie of having siblings. It ended up being a happy accident that my children are 7 years apart. So what are the pros and cons in my opinion?

Pros:

• It has allowed me to develop my career between children, and with better planning could allow even more career development for others.
• It really does free the parent from having to meet the demands and pressures of two children close together in age, thus allowing parents and children more time in one-to-one interaction for a more supportive and relaxed relationship. My oldest son, Riley is my best friend and we have a connection most parents/children struggle to achieve.
• While I've heard that the larger the age gap the better an older child's self esteem, it didn't quite work out that way for us. Sometimes alternative family structures stink.
•  My oldest isn't particularly jealous of my younger son. He understands why a baby/toddler needs more attention. 
• They adore each other. Truly adore each other. Riley is like a 3rd parent to Hayden. He always has his best interests at heart and will stick up for him against all odds.
• He is sort of built in child care. I'm not leaving my 2 year old at home alone with my 9 year old but if I need to take a shower Riley is more than capable of entertaining and keeping alive his younger brother for 15-20 minutes.

Cons:

• Delivery complications. My second cesarean was much harder to recover from than my first. 
• I frequently feel as though I'm being pulled in 2 completely different directions. They have almost no mutual interests.