Coming Out: My Experience

I originally posted this on my Tumblr a number of years ago but felt it was worthy of being reblogged here.

I don’t remember ever “coming out” to anybody as a teenager. My mother recently told me that she knew when I brought home my first serious girlfriend and that previously she had never thought about it because it didn’t matter to her. 12 years later and it still doesn’t matter to my family. While my father is less vocal about such things, he too could give a fuck less what gender person I choose to love or sleep with. My friends had always just… figured it out when they saw me with girls, and it’s never really been an issue with any of them. I think that’s because I chose to surround myself with people who wouldn’t be phased by any sexuality, although I do occasionally wonder what my journey would have been like had I been born male. I like to think it wouldn’t change the reactions I would have gotten from the people I care about, but I’m not so naive.

Part of the reason I'd never had any big “coming out” moments is because sexuality registers so low on my radar. Growing up I never even thought about my sexuality, other than in my teenage years, but it was just general hormonal I have sexuality type stuff. No great debates in me about what gender the person I spent the rest of my life would be. If I was dating a girl it was because I liked her. If I was dating a guy it was because I liked him. If I ended up with any of the people I dated in high school it would have been because I continued to like them. I didn’t.

It’s only recently that I’ve become more active in the LGBT community, and it’s not because of my personal preference for genders. I don’t give a fuck who knows I like girls. I’m pretty sure my entire family, and circle of friends, has figured it out and if not, well, they’re blind. I ended up marrying a man so equality in that aspect doesn’t really effect me personally very much. I feel strongly about it because I’ve seen how much it can affect those I love, and you don’t mess with the people I love. I told my mom once that I would probably end up settling down with a woman, and she pretty much said “that’s nice” and continued watching dancing with the stars. I have a great mom, in case you didn’t know.

That being said I know some people struggle with telling their parents about their gender identities. Please don’t. If somebody loves you, they will continue loving you no matter what you tell them about yourselves. Also, realize you are a PERSON. You are not a homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual. You are a person, with a name, who has views and opinions, likes and dislikes, and the people who know you won’t care who you want to bump uglies with. If they do, they’re probably shallow minded people who you don’t need in your lives, or maybe you’re a really shitty person and the only redeeming quality you had was that you seemed to be straight. If that doesn’t sound like you then don’t let it define you. Don’t let gender, or sexuality define you.

My name is Megan. I’m a mom. My favorite color is teal. I can be a huge bitch, but I love passionately and if I care about you I’ll do just about anything for you. My favorite animal is the panda, followed very closely by horses. I like to swim and take my son fun new places. I’m very opinionated, and I can be offensive. I’m socially awkward until I get to know you, and I say the wrong thing a lot. There are things I am good at, and things I am bad at. Oh, and I like girls, and sometimes I like boys too. My preference is small, thin, flexible, blonde girls, and tall, strong musically inclined, guys. I ended up married to a socially awkward, smart, nerdy, guy, who loves me for all that I am.

EDIT: When I moved to Florida, a little over 2 years ago now, I had a very different experience. When I "came out" to co-workers by mentioning an ex-girlfriend who lived in the area, they told me to "be careful" who I mentioned it to, and that "since I'm with a man it's not worth getting in trouble over". I went to a "girls night out" and when I dropped a similar reference, the conversation around the table literally stopped, and everyone looked at me like I had 2 heads. I'd never had my sexuality diminished before. I'd never had any reason to feel nervous about "coming out" and being honest with those around me. I now have a better understanding of how something that should be just a piece of who you are can become all consuming when you are afraid to mention it to those around you. 

An open letter to my sons, about their inevitable relationships with women

Whether you are gay, straight, or somewhere in between it is inevitable that you will someday have intimate relationships with those of the opposite sex. I strive to be a living example to you of how a woman should be treated, by the way that I demand to be treated, and by the way that I treat others. I know that while actions speak louder than words, sometimes it is equally important to give voice to issues. I know we've talked about girls before, and I hope that you understand most of what I've tried to teach you, but here are a few things that deserve a little extra emphasis:

You don't have to be her knight in shining armor. Whether she's your girlfriend, wife, or just a friend you don't have to save her. Not all the time, and certainly not at the cost of your own well being. You're going to see a lot of propaganda about "real men" over the years. Ignore it. You are both real men. I was there when you were born and I have watched you grow. I can testify to this fact. So when someone tries to tell you how a real man takes care of his woman, take it with a grain of salt. I expect you to be caring, supportive, kind, generous, and compassionate with everyone including the women in your life. However, you are not responsible for their physical or emotional well being. 

While we're on the topic of "real men" your masculinity doesn't hinge on the degradation of women either. It's okay to share the household responsibilities. There are no "mans jobs" or "woman's jobs". Your job in your relationship with anyone is to equally distribute the burdens in a way you both agree to be fair. This means it's ok if she makes more money than you and it's ok if she doesn't have a job. It's up to the 2 of you to define how your relationship is going to be balanced. Don't let anyone else tell you how to define your home life. 

Communicate. A lot. The old adage "men are from Mars women are from Venus" isn't entirely off base. Chances are unless you find an anomaly of a gal, she's going to think very differently than you do. Chances are sometimes it's going to be hard to understand. The only way you'll ever understand her is by asking her how she feels, and why. Let her explain herself. Don't assume you know. You probably don't. This goes for all your relationships (with men too). Talk to your colleagues. Talk to your friends. Talk to your teachers and your kids and your parents. Put down your electronics and listen to other people. Especially if you're trying to make a life with them.

I have hope, that by the time you're a man, the world will have changed. Realistically I'm not sure it will have. So know this: being a woman is hard for so many reasons I cannot begin to explain to you. Not the least of which being an anatomy that works very differently than yours. Women are not weaker than you. They are strong in different ways. They are not less intelligent than you. They think in different ways. Men and women aren't the same, but they are equal. Just because someone is different does not ever make them less.

We all come from different places. The world, for my generation atleast, has put a lot of work into making women insecure, and frightened. It has taught hate rather than love, and many young women come from homes that stifled them rather than empowering them. Keep that in mind when you approach anyone, but especially a woman. You don't know where she's come from, and you don't know if she had to work twice as hard to get where she is. This comes right back to the talking thing. Ask questions. Listen intently. Let people share their story with you. Be open. Let people change you, not because they want to, but because you need to be ever evolving to become better.

Sometimes girls cry. Usually a lot more than boys too. Remember that anatomy bit I mentioned earlier? It comes with a completely different set of hormones. When you might get angry, a woman might get sad. Sorry buddy that's the difference between testosterone and estrogen. I reiterate here that it does not make her weaker than you. Just different.

You're going to meet so many different people of all ages, races, genders, sexualities, religions and creeds. Don't let stereotypes pre-form your opinions. Treat each person as an individual. Don't make assumptions. Let them teach you who they are so that you may share your true self with them.

You're going to get hurt. Someone is going to break your hurt. It's going to feel like being broken into a thousand sharp pieces of glass. You're going to heal and while you're healing try your best to let go of the anger and resentment that tries to form inside of you. Don't hold the actions of one person against every other person who tries to love you. 

Be a gentleman. No matter how much culture and society changes. Hold on to that ideal. It's not about saving people. It's about respect. You don't have to carry the weight of the world to open doors for the person behind you and help someone who is struggling cross the street. Don't let anyone tell you this is wrong or sexist. You can open doors for men as well as women. Pick up something if someone drops it and hand the item back to them. If you see a woman being harassed, step in and do something. Not because she's a woman but because you would do it for anyone. 

And lastly, forever stay my sweet little boys, even when you're grown men.

Holiday Project Update (with photos)

We did a variety of charity/philanthropy projects to celebrate the holiday season. We went gleaning:

John and Hayden "gleaning" oranges for the local food banks.

The whole Nuviva crew getting ready to go gleaning

We put together THIRTY bags for the loca homeless population.

Dropping off 2 carts of bags full of goodies at OURM for their homeless population.

And we cleaned out our closets following Christmas to make room for what we had been given, we have to others. We'll be dropping off these boxes at OURM today.

This is what the holiday season means to me. It means sharing what we have with others. But also it means time spent with family. We did that too:

We got to see most of the cool holiday stuff at Disney.

So from my family to yours, happy holidays.

Eve boxes, a Killion family holiday tradition

Since we got together over 3 Christmas's ago my now husband and I have been putting together Christmas/Holiday Eve boxes for our kids. They've become increasingly important to us as we now live farther from family and all the (ridiculous amounts of) presents they send end up packed into Christmas morning over Skype. We like to have time to be together as a family just the 4 (sometimes 5 when my mother is in town) of us.

We aren't religious as a rule. Unless you count a sometimes affinity of Unitarianism or Buddhism. So our holiday celebration isn't really about "Jesus's birthday". For us it's about celebrating thousands of years of history, differing beliefs, and being together as a family. So each of us opening a box on Christmas Eve together is our big tradition.

Every year the box includes atleast one movie (usually on a cute flash drive), a new pair of pajamas, a new book (usually holiday related), and movie snacks (typically popcorn, hot cocoa and some candy). 

This year was the first year I really got crafty with it. So I made each of my kids a re-usable Christmas Eve box. 

  

The front of each box is their name, with a wooden letter for their first initial.

On the side I've painted "Twas the night before Christmas" on each of them.

With a slightly different design on each box. I left plenty of room to add something each year.

You can pick up these crates for around $10 at either Joanne's fabrics or Walmart (and I'm sure many other locations as well). The wooden letters were around $1 a piece and I got them at Walmart but I'm sure any crafting store carries them. I also grabbed paint and stencils from Walmart.

While I was there I bought pipe cleaners, googly eyes, a hot glue gun, and pom poms (my Walmart had a craft bag with everything but the hot glue gun in it, but I can't find it on the internet anywhere) for my next project, which to the best of my knowledge was an original idea. I already had the hot chocolate k cups on hand. We got them for a steal at Aldi. These would also make great ornament crafts for kids with used k-cups.

In case it isn't self explanatory I bent the brown pipe cleaners into antlers and hot glued them to the back of the k-cup, glued the googly eyes to the lip of the k-cup/the antlers and then glued the nose to the front. To turn it into an ornament all you'd need to do is add string or ribbon to the back where you glued the antlers.

I also used the pipe cleaners for my next project. 

After these were made I also made 2 with ribbon but honestly I really preferred the pipe cleaners as it gives you much more control. You can find the snowman printouts here. After that you can either do like I did (since it's not cold here) and cut hats out of black construction paper then glue them to the top, or you can tie a glove around his head to make a hat. There are tons of these on Pinterest with different variations (like gluing on your old buttons). If you do happen to live Northerly, this is a great way to incorporate winter necessities like hats, scarves and gloves.

I also printed out this cute little poem to accompany the popcorn.

You can print them online here.

After all this I was for the first time in my life finding that I enjoy crafting so I went to a local dollar store and grabbed an inexpensive wedding figurine.

Since it's my husband and I's first married Christmas I added the year and a quote that means a lot to us "together or not at all" were the last words Amy and Rory spoke to one another before jumping off a building to save the universe on Doctor Who. We wrote the quote into our wedding vows. This kind of ornament crafting is EXTREMELY easy and will probably be my new gift giving go to.

I had my sons ornaments personalize via a groupon they had running this year. I made the fallout ornament with the same method as the one I made my husband, just a little hot glue and ribbon. My husband got me a first married Christmas ornament and I bought my mom a Christmas with nana ornament.

We all put our ornaments on the tree while drinking hot cocoa (a little Kahlua for mommy) and watching Home Alone (one of the movies on Riley's Lego flash drive)

The final product ends up looking a bit like this.

Riley got a book about Christmas traditions and where they came from. Hayden got a Winter Solstice book. Neither of them have been read yet because my kids were totally mesmerized by movies and candy.

My husband put this amazing necklace in my box and made me tear up, you can read all about his amazing gifts to me this year here. 

Happy holidays to you and yours.

For my husband, on Christmas

While I will claim all day, that I hate surprises, and that receiving gifts during the holiday season makes me uncomfortable this year you have truly outdone yourself. You have proven that the power of a gift is not in how much money you spend, but in the time, and thought, put into it. Beyond that you have once again illustrated the extent to which you truly "get" me. 

I'm not the type of woman to drop hints about what I want, because I usually don't want anything. Yet, you found a way to give me things that warm my heart and bring a tear to my eye, without spending the kind of money that makes me upset this time of year.

A necklace that says "together or not at all" (the last words Amy and Rory said to one another before jumping off a building to save the universe) in circular Gallifreyan (the language from the doctors home planet of Gallifrey). Words we wrote into our wedding vows, and a design I've been scribbling for months with the ultimate goal of having it tattooed on me eventually.

Found in a small box where you say "all the best gifts come from" inside my Christmas Eve box. I think because you knew opening something so precious to me would be embarrassing Christmas morning when so many eyes were watching. 

My very tricky "stocking" that was originally full of junk that I "love to haul around" that you used to "craft" a toolbox full of all the Fallout essentials. Mentats, buffout, cateye, fixer and then....

The Nuka Cola quantums you had led me to believe were unattainable, after many a visit to Target in search of the rare item. You went so far as to overcome your hatred of speaking to strangers to get someone to buy me a second one, when the manager refused to honor the advertisement. I can't imagine how much time you put into this gift that is absolutely perfect in every way.

Not to go unrecognized or unappreciated scoring me a precious tradition of our family. A hand written ornament symbolizing the last years journey. Our first Christmas as Mr. & Mrs.

I cannot wait to spend a lifetime of holidays with you. May every one be as full of joy and love as this one has been. I love you forever, together or not at all.

Why We Don't Do Santa

I understand that a lot of you, my friends included, love celebrating Christmas with tales of Santa. We don't. There is a rather long list of reasons why.

Since we aren't Christians, we celebrate our December Holiday season differently than a lot of people. We have had the liberty of picking and choosing traditions from a variety of holiday celebrations. We still do stockings. We talk about Winter Solstice and the traditions that have come about throughout history for people of all religions and creeds. We discuss how best to respect others beliefs. It's not a war on Christmas. We want those of you to celebrate to have as great of a holiday season as we usually do. We have a holiday tree. My husband puts up his "Christmas Village". I put together Christmas Eve Boxes for my kids. In terms of gifts from my husband and myself, we really try to limit ourselves to the boxes, and stockings. Each year there inevitably is a little spill over of gifts I end up wrapping and putting under the tree. Usually labeled from myself. So why not Santa? Why are there no gifts from him under our tree?

1. It's creepy. Maybe not for you, but for me. "He knows when you are sleeping... He knows when you're awake...." Hi, I'm not indoctrinating my kids into the acceptance of a police state quite yet. I don't want them to think it's toooootally normal for someone to watch everything they do every second of every day, and judge them on it. No thanks.

2. It's pure consumerism. OH NO MY KIDS WON'T KNOW HOW GOOD THEY ARE IF I DON'T BUY THEM STACKS OF PRESENTS FOR CHRISTMAS. How else could they possibly know whether or not they are tolerable human beings? I don't know... perhaps I could tell them.

3. Gratitude. I am doing my best in an ungrateful, privileged culture to raise children who say thank you. Not just for large gifts, but small ones too. They did not earn the right to a stack of presents under the tree. Their family and friends chose to give gifts to them out of love. I want my children to be grateful, and to say thank you. To appreciate that those gifts were given from a place of hard-work out of love. To understand that sometimes a small gift, can mean more than a large one.

4. Poverty. I am not poor. Well, not the I can't pay to feed my kids level of poor. So, I can buy my children gifts during the holiday season. They have family and friends who can also afford to give with almost no budget. However, there is an ocean of children, who will not be getting big expensive gifts from Santa this year. Are they any less good? Are they any less worthy? Why would I want my own, or anyone else's children to get any sense of their own value from an imaginary fat man who puts them on a list?

5. Trust. I want my children to trust me. About everything, through everything, with everything. I don't want them to doubt even for a minute that I have been as honest with them as humanly possible. So why make up stories that they will eventually know are lies?

Why I moved to Florida, and the pitfalls.

A little over a year ago my now husband and I packed up our bags and moved our little family to Central Florida. There were a lot of things that went into our decision to get the heck outta Dodge. Dodge in this case being Cape Cod Massachusetts, but I think I'll save that for another blog post. As some of you may have by now guessed I'm a little bit of a Google guru. So as soon as I got my hubby to say "yes" to Florida I went to work researching. I immediately decided that Seminole county was going to be the place for us. It had the best schools, was close to Orlando (and subsequently universal studios and tons of other fun stuff to do), less than an hour to the nearest ocean beach, had relatively low crime, and had both job openings for me, and colleges for the hubs. In the end we signed a lease on a great apartment in Oviedo, after a long tedious house hunt and time constraints with my job.

So here's the plus side: 

• The schools ARE great in Oviedo. Carillon, where my oldest son attended is one of the best elementaries in Florida.
• PUBLIX is by far the most amazing grocery store on the planet. They give my kids samples of food, and make sure my toddler leaves with a balloon. The employees are not only friendly but also helpful.
• It's warm pretty much year round. I think the lowest it got all winter was 3 days of high 40s/low 50s.
• I get to go to the theme park and go on roller coasters year round for less than what tourists pay for a few days.
• The cost of living is relatively low.
• Despite everything I've heard about the job market not being as good as Massachusetts I have gotten 4 better paying jobs than I ever even had interviews for back in Mass. 
• Froyo is a thousand times better than ice cream, in my opinion and it's every where down south.
• There are farmers markets a plenty.
• There is so much stuff to do for kids I don't even know where to start. Both indoor and outdoor activities are available year round by the hundreds. Plus, lots of it is free.
• The Mexican food and Spanish cuisine are way better than you will ever find in Massachusetts or any northern state.
• There is fried chicken everywhere, and it is delicious.
• The racial difference between "African Americans" and "European Americans" is barely noticeable. You can pretty much only tell we're different because our skin tone is.
• The real estate market WAS absolutely amazing for buyers when we moved, but costs are rising steadily, as are mortgage rates.

Some pitfalls:

• While it's been easy for me to find a job in the market here, it is not easy for everyone AND I've jumped around a lot. Working 3 jobs in 1 year.
• Car Insurance is more expensive here than in MA
• Your electric bill will probably be crazy because you'll run your AC all the time.
• Florida makes enrolling your kids in school a nightmare. 
• It's obviously hard being so far away from family.
• If you register to vote through the RMV it probably won't go through, and FL requires you be registered as Dem or Rep to vote in primaries.
• The majority of Florida has awful schools. 
• When you move away from your friends you'll lose connection and ties will be severed.
• The pizza, asian cuisine and seafood stink here.
• There are a lot of cultural difference.

Facts about breastfeeding

So I'd like to start with a disclaimer that if you are a self identified woman, and you have children, that you're a mama, and I'm on your team. Breast or bottle. Bed sharing, or in a crib. Attachment parent or disciplinarian. However you are raising your child as long as you are doing your best (and not beating them within an inch of their life on the regular) I SUPPORT YOU. Also, I think it's sad I have to say that, because really shouldn't we all be supporting one another anyways.


Can you drink and breastfeed?
Why yes, you can. While frequent, excessive drinking is (hopefully) an obvious no-no, there is nothing wrong with the occasional alcoholic beverage. Mothers should drink in moderation. Go ahead and enjoy a glass of wine or favorite beverage every now and then without any plaguing mommy guilt. Perhaps a good way to put a number on "drinking in moderation" is limiting drinking to a single beverage one or two times a week.

What you need to know is the amount of time required for alcohol to leave the breastmilk depends on your bodyweight, the alcohol content of the beverage you were drinking, how many ounces you drank, and the amount of time it took you to drink it. That being said, essentially if you can safely (and legally) drive a car without concern of a DUI, you are most likely sober enough to breastfeed your baby.

However, the myth that alcohol builds milk supply is a pretty old one, based largely on unresearched opinions. In 2005 studies were released that not only debunked this myth, but showed the exact opposite to be true. Not only does downing that beer or glass of wine not build supply, it actually serves to decrease your breastmilk supply and inhibit milk letdown. It is far better to stick with established methods of boosting breastmilk supply instead. (more on that later)

How can I boost my supply?
One of the most common reasons for a breastfed baby's slow weight gain or an issue with low milk supply has to do with improper latch. If a baby is latched improperly, not only is it quite likely to cause discomfort for mom, it will also fail to stimulate greater milk production. Try this link for some examples of how to get a proper latch.

Make sure you're breastfeeding a minimum of every 2 hours if you're worried about your supply for any reason.

Try using breast compression. See here for techniques.

Drain the breast before switching sides. Switching back and forth between breasts during a feeding can deter your milk production. If your suffering from low milk supply, keep your baby at the first breast long enough to drain it of milk. At that point, switch to the other breast. Start feeding your baby at the opposite breast at the start of the next feeding.

MAKE SURE YOU'RE NOURISHING YOUR OWN BODY.

Consider side effects of any medication you might be taking.

If all else fails, try some mother's milk herbal tea, fenugreek, or blessed thistle.

Is breast feeding what is best for my baby?
Well, multiple studies have indicated that breastfeeding does boost IQ. But, there are many studies that have come forward to refute that evidence and claim that it has a lot more to do with the environment and IQ of parents who choose to breastfeed.

It does boost babies immunities and help keep them healthy before you can get them immunizations to protect against diseases.

It definitely helps mama lose weight after baby, combats post-partum depression, and can help prevent pregnancy following birth.

In my opinion, yes, breast is best. But always take into account what's best for you and  your whole family.

Ask yourself questions like:

• How long am I willing to wait before returning to work?
• Will pumping be an option at my work place?
• Am I comfortable with being the main provider of meals?
• If my child needs to nurse multiple times through the night can I get up with them and still perform my daily tasks?
• Is my partner comfortable with me breastfeeding?
• How do I feel about breastfeeding in public?

And last but not least, talk to a certified lactation consultant.

Riley Jordan

I wrote this for Riley years ago...

Sweet perfection in a coo,
The gentle whispering of your name,

As your tenement emerges,

Frankly fresh and nitid new.

Gold laden are your smiles.

Ambrosial is your scent.

Your aroma so darling,

It brings complacence and content.

More precious than any sunrise,

More beautiful than any sunset,

The delight that I have found in you

Eternity could not compel me to forget.

Such pride I find in your creation,

'Though I barely played a part,

Merely vessel and sustainer,

For your impressive start.

You give me reason to believe, dear boy,

As I explore your face,

Any inkling of regret once felt,

Annulled without a trace.

I inspect the tiny features,

Higher Powers  so carefully put in place.

Your flawless elfin details,

A testament to their Grace.

Tiny hands with tiny fingers,

Little feet and little toes,

Fleeting forehead, eager eyes.

Modest mouth and narrow nose

I’ve found a reason to continue.

Nay, the reason I began,

To live and love and laugh with you

As you grow into a man.

A renewal of my faith is found,

Formerly which I suppressed.

Denial: inconceivable,

For you are clearly blessed.

My life was rain before you,

Now you’ve shot across my sky,

An everlasting rainbow,

My eternal reason why.

Clearly my writing has NOT improved since then...

Child Spacing

My children were "sort of" planned 7 years apart. I always read that 7 years was the best spacing between siblings as it allowed each of them to get all the best of being "only children" while still maintaining the camaraderie of having siblings. It ended up being a happy accident that my children are 7 years apart. So what are the pros and cons in my opinion?

Pros:

• It has allowed me to develop my career between children, and with better planning could allow even more career development for others.
• It really does free the parent from having to meet the demands and pressures of two children close together in age, thus allowing parents and children more time in one-to-one interaction for a more supportive and relaxed relationship. My oldest son, Riley is my best friend and we have a connection most parents/children struggle to achieve.
• While I've heard that the larger the age gap the better an older child's self esteem, it didn't quite work out that way for us. Sometimes alternative family structures stink.
•  My oldest isn't particularly jealous of my younger son. He understands why a baby/toddler needs more attention. 
• They adore each other. Truly adore each other. Riley is like a 3rd parent to Hayden. He always has his best interests at heart and will stick up for him against all odds.
• He is sort of built in child care. I'm not leaving my 2 year old at home alone with my 9 year old but if I need to take a shower Riley is more than capable of entertaining and keeping alive his younger brother for 15-20 minutes.

Cons:

• Delivery complications. My second cesarean was much harder to recover from than my first. 
• I frequently feel as though I'm being pulled in 2 completely different directions. They have almost no mutual interests.

Massachusetts

The best things about being in Massachusetts:
Being close to my mom. Her presence gives me endless comfort. Even though seeing her is a reminder of how sick she really is. The good days with her and the kids are so incredibly worth coming up here for the summer. Seeing her energized by them is amazing.

Seeing my other family is also great. My dad and aunt Tracy are familiar and soothing in their own inexplicable ways.

Being near to and running into my friends.

Having babysitters other than just the browns.

The worst things about Massachusetts:
It's cold and damp and my fingers hurt already.

The data speeds here are slow. Wtf is this 3g shit. How do you people live without constant 4g?

Things close ridiculously early.  Cape cod is a ghost town at 8/9 o'clock. Seriously. The grocery stores and pharmacys close.

People drive like super assholes. And if they aren't purposefully driving like a dick they are 80 years old going 5 miles an hr.

There are very few playgrounds and to my knowledge 0 indoor rec/playgrounds.

I don't think people here even know what a public pool is.

It's dark. There are like... 0 streetlights. I forgot how winding the roads are. 90° turns with no warning are cool.

Did I mention it's cold?

Also there are inch worms and pollen covering everything and I can't breathe.

Living with my in laws is not my idea of a good time.

I miss my apartment and weather that doesn't make my skin hurt.

This whine fest has been brought to you by my anxiety.

Giving thanks

This year I am so very thankful.

I am thankful that I have 2 children that are so healthy they border on perfect. Who are mentally and physically sound. That I am not sitting in the hospital listening to every breath as though it might be their last.  That they both have crawled, walked, and talked without any problems. I am thankful above all that they are here for me to snuggle and love.

I am thankful for my amazing fiance who always does the best he can. Who is the perfect other half for me and who focuses on all the things that I ignore and vice versa.

I am thankful for the roof over my head and that I have never had to put my children to bed hungry.

I am thankful for friends both near and far who always offer their help in whatever capacity they are able, and I am equally thankful for the opportunities they have given me to help them back.

I am thankful for my mother who is the strongest, best person I know.  I was very lucky to be raised by the most genuinely caring and wonderful person I know.

I am thankful for opportunities.  For jobs, for education,  for experiences and everything in between.  I live in a country where I can be just about anything I want if I work hard enough and that's pretty incredible.

Pets are family. Family is forever.

Today marks the one year anniversary of my Madison's death. I celebrated by crying a lot, looking at pictures, and visiting the SPCA and checking out some dogs. I told myself going in that I wasn't going to being anyone home with me today but secretly I was hoping that one of them would whisper to my soul, saying "I'm yours. I've been waiting for you." I met 3 dogs that I considered for my family. I had narrowed it down to 3 pretty easily. These were dogs who's signs did not say "aggressive towards children" and whom didn't bark madly at me when I came in. I'll be returning tomorrow with my fiance to take a closer look.

While I was there I read signs that told me a bit of their backstory. Sign after sign reading "owner surrender" "new baby" "moving" "too loud" "too big". Imagine visiting an orphanage like that. It broke my heart. For me, my dogs have always been a member of my family. I could never surrender them to a possibly horrible fate just because my life circumstances changed. No more than I would give away my children.

The first dog that was ever "mine" came from an MSPCA in Brewster near my childhood home. She was an amazing yellow lab, golden retriever pup who changed me in unexpected and wonderful ways. I picked her out of all the puppies because when I, a painfully shy 7 year old, sat down in a kennel full of puppies she calmly crawled into my lap for snuggles.  It turned out the reason she was so calm and cuddly was because she had parvo,  a disease that usually kills puppies.  We got her the veterinary care she needed and she lived a well mannered, long  and happy life with us. I cannot imagine taking her back because she was sick or ever abandoning her. She sang to my soul. I looked at her and she was instantly mine, from then until she went home to the rainbow bridge.

When I was 15 I met the next love of my life. My family went to visit friends in VT, as we did every summer, and a good friend of my mother's,  Joy, had recently gotten 2 young rottweilers. One, had been planned and purchased from a breeder.  Another, had been brought to a local vet to be put to sleep when her owners could not afford her eye surgery. Joy and her daughter Juli paid for the surgery and Joy took her home. Again, upon meeting her, another dog sang to my soul. I begged my parents and their friend endlessly, until finally with the agreement I would take her to obedience school they relented and let me take her home. I'm sure that once or twice when stepping in massive dog piles in the backyard they may have rethought it, but Madi was immediately a member of our family and we held her close even as she died.

My family has always had rescues. From our one legged dog Venus, one legged cat Sam, to my dad's "street dog" Polly. We've always kept anything that "followed us home". I don't think I could ever buy from a breeder when I know how many animals are displaced every year by "owners" who somehow change their minds.

If you think, within a shadow of a doubt that you could change your mind about a dog, don't take them home. Get a fish, see how that goes. Or maybe a house plant.

Respecting other people's life choices.

While this is a very broad statement, one which I could go on about for days, I'm going to stick to one particular invasive judgment I've seen thrown around a lot lately, especially in parent circles.

How many times have you seen someone say, "I don't want to have kids" and then a flood of "you'll change your minds" and arguments as to why said person SHOULD have kids. There are a range of reasons this bothers me so much.

One: Whether someone does or does not have children is 100% theirs (and their partners) choice. It's not for you to decide or even have an opinion on. Just like a million other things I will get to at a later date.

Two: They aren't saying it to insult you. Just because you have kids and you're happy does not mean this is a personal attack on your familial life. You can in fact continue to be happy (or unhappy) with your decision to procreate regardless of whether or not all your friends want kids just like yours. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't enjoy your children or that they aren't happy for you and your family. It just means THEY DONT WANT KIDS.

Three: In the U.S. 397,122 children are living without permanent families in the foster care system. 101,666 of these children are eligible for adoption, but nearly 32% of these children will wait over three years in foster care before being adopted. That's almost 400 thousand kids without permanent families. I dare you to tell someone to have a kid they don't want again. It is beyond ignorant.

Four: I have wanted children since approximately the first time I saw a baby. I've been going on about wanting babies since an alarmingly early age. I love kids. I nannied for years and have always known without a shadow of a doubt that I want to be a mother. I STILL have bad days. There are still days I question my decision, times when I have to count to ten or walk away. There are moments that my children test the limits of my patience. Now imagine if I had not wanted them, if I did not view my children as the very best gift life could give me. I don't think life would be very pretty for any of us.

Five: Every child deserves to be the light in their parents life. To tell someone who knows in their heart that they are incapable of giving a child that level of love is despicable.

So stop. Stop telling young women that they'll change their minds. Stop sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. Resist the urge to ask if someone's mom wants grandkids. Their family dynamic is THEIR choice. Do not ask every single young married couple when they're gonna have kids. It's not your business.

This goes both ways might I add. Do NOT ask the young parent if their child was planned. Don't inquire as to how much they miss the nightlife. Don't make judgments about their financial situation and whether they should be bringing a child into this world. Stop looking at the mom with 6 kids paying with food stamps with such disdain. IT ISN'T YOUR BUSINESS. You don't know their story, situation, or heart. Live and let live ladies and gentleman.